1 Soul Matters Podcast

Hope And Healing For The Holidays, Part 2

• St. Luke Community UMC Mental Health Ministry • Season 1 • Episode 7

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We explore real ways to find hope when the holidays hurt, weaving faith practices with counseling, planning, and gentle rituals that honor grief. We also share how supporters can show up with presence, not platitudes, and why boundaries are a gift.

• defining grief as mental, physical and spiritual
• distinguishing hope from happiness
• using scripture, prayer and Good Grief by Westberg
• practicing affirmations and journaling
• creating holiday plans and saying no
• honoring loved ones with simple rituals
• using music to name and move emotion
• seeking counseling and medical care when needed
• showing up for others with listening and presence
• sharing resources without rushing someone’s process

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Soul Matters Play. I'm Reverend Dr. Tamara Black. And this is part two of Part Two, Podcast. So we're stepping into a conversation that many long for but few anticipate. And that's hope and healing for the holidays. As a faith community, we know the holidays are meant to be a time of joy and togetherness, but in the church and in our circles of faith, grief often shows up in unexpected forms. It's the empty chair at the dinner table, the silence where there once was laughter, the tradition that now feels heavy instead of joyful. Last time in part one, we explored how grief and hope can coexist and how our faith and our communities can hold space for both. Today in part two, we will discuss what practical steps we can take toward healing this season. Whether you're navigating personal loss, supporting someone who is, or simply looking to understand more deeply, thank you for being here. My guest again today is Reverend Dr. Sharon L. Larkin, executive pastor at St. Luke Community United Methodist Church. Part of what we're we're talking about today, hope and healing. And so I want to I want to get into that hope part a little bit. When someone feels like their hope is gone or it's it's dim, where can they begin to find it again?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, whenever I do grief counseling, I again I have the person, particularly if they're a person of faith, I I speak heavily for them to rely on that faith. And rely on relying on that faith as a person of faith is reading the Bible, praying, doing those spiritual disciplines because we know that as we build our spiritual selves, it will give us hope and it will help us in our grief. As a matter of fact, I was reading this book. One of my favorite books is called Good Grief, and it's by Gran G. Westburg, and he talks about the fact that people who wrestle with their grief, people who are of faith, tend to get through grief in a more powerful and a more healthy way than those who may not have any type of faith, or they may not have anything to hold on, because we know that our faith alone gives us hope. So I always encourage that when as we're going through uh grief counseling, we are doing things to build our spiritual selves. I also uh, like I said earlier, let them know that grief is mental, grief is physical, and grief is spiritual. So not only do you have to do things to build your spiritual self, you also have to do things to build your mental and your physical self. And mental is maybe you need to go and talk with an expert, talk with a counselor, talk with a psychiatrist. If you're finding where you can't sleep and and you can't function, then it's always good to go talk to get some counseling. And that will help you with your mental peace, also with your physical peace. It's good to go to your doctor and have a doctor that you go to and to tell them, hey, I am going through grief and I am going through here are some of the things that are happening with me because grief affects us in ways that you know, you may have headaches, you may have stomach aches, and that can't be explained. And so a lot of it is just the stress that we sometimes feel from the grief. So there is hope, and there is help as we deal with ourselves from those specific aspects. But you got to remind people, you got to educate people and let them know there is hope. And that's what we do, that's what we try to do as we go through grief counseling or we go through the grief recovery, and even with the mental health monthly meeting, we talk about resources and places that they can go. Because I promise you, if you're grieving, you're not the only one that is grieving, and there is hope.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I appreciate you you're saying that and and really talking about us as a holistic being, you know, mental, physical, and spiritual, and your encouragement to talk with mental health professionals when when appropriate. There are so many that can think that somehow goes against having faith and talking with others about their problems and especially a mental health professional. But you know, God has equipped all kinds of professionals with knowledge and experience to help people heal and and recover and and go through, as you as you mentioned before. That certainly is the case for medical doctors dealing with physical ailments, and it's true for mental health doctors and professionals as well. And so I'm just really glad that you you talked about all of those elements of us and not just one and how we have to pay attention to all of them to function well. You know, I I wonder if hope sometimes can be confused with happiness, but I those are those are different things. And I'm just wondering, you know, why is it important that we make that distinction between hope and happiness during our seasons of grief?

SPEAKER_01:

Because they they're really two different things. You're happy one minute, you're not happy the next. And sometimes that in itself can be a symptom of grief. But hope is something that even in on your worst day of grieving, you know that you have resources, you know that you there are places that you can go, you know that there are people that you can talk to. Hope is always there even when you don't feel like it is there. Sometimes you may feel hopeless, but again, there are resources, there are people, and there are techniques that we can do that will help us through that grief so that we will get to that point. Well, one day we wake up when we might be happy on that particular day, or we will begin to feel that ray of hope. Because when even a stage of grief is not to it starts one place, but the ultimate end is that you make it to a point of acceptance, not that you have gotten through, not that you have gotten over your grief, but that you have gotten through, and that's what hope does for us.

SPEAKER_00:

That's helpful. Hope is really about a future that's different from this current moment, and it's and you're right, happiness is is more more fleeting. Hope but I I see it as as really grounding us.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you've mentioned several times about scriptures and and other things that people can use. And I'm wondering, are there particular scriptures that you recommend? I mean, you certainly mentioned uh Psalms, but I wonder, are there others or maybe even affirmations or stories that can remind us that hope can coexist with pain?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, there are so many. I mean, knowing that it's Psalm 23, you know, just knowing that the Lord is our shepherd and the Lord is walking with us, all of the things, there's so many different ones, there are so many different stories uh within the Bible. One of the books I talked about earlier that I often give to people is called Good Grief. And Good Grief is by Granger E. Westburg. And I like that book because it basically walks you through the 10 stages of grief. And within that book, they also have a devotional that comes that can come that you can read along with it, that have different scriptures and different stories of other people who have grieved and who have made it through. So all of these things can certainly be encouraging to us. And like I said, any place that you can read in the Bible, even Jesus grieved, you know, grieved over Lazarus, you know, grieved over the way people were reacting to the death of Lazarus. And so all of these things and stories can be of encouragement to us, especially when we are going through. I often tell people of faith, if you, if you I get, I tell them, I said, this week, I don't want you to pick any particular scripture. I just want you to open your book, open the Bible, and read wherever it lands. And you will be surprised how many times it lands on something that they really that really touches them, that really speaks to where they are.

SPEAKER_00:

One of the things I know that some people do is they have an affirmation and they commit it to memory, or they'll put it on the bathroom mirror so that in the morning they see it, or on the refrigerator, or you know, on the door, so that you know it's something that they are sort of saying to their self as they go through familiar places through their through their homes or or through work. And sometimes those affirmations are helpful reminders to people that yes, you're feeling pain, but you can also have hope in the midst of that pain. And I you may have some that you know people have shared with you, but there are there are some that come to mind for me. Like, I trust that the pain of my grief is gonna lessen with time. It's just sort of speaking that this will this will lessen, the pain will lessen with time. Or I even though I am grieving, I am surrounded by love and support, and I'm not actually alone. Absolutely, or my loved one's memory is gonna live on through the impact they had on my life, you just uh little statements, and you know, different ones are are are powerful uh to different people, and so or I know I can cope with the grieving process or other things that you know people can say as affirmations that remind them that yes, they may be experiencing of loss, but they can also have hope, and this too shall pass. This too shall that's another very common one. This this will pass, yes. So I think you're right. There are some scriptures, there are some affirmations and other stories that we just have to remind ourselves. I think what can happen when we're grieving is that the thoughts that come most quickly to mind are negative ones, and so we use these strategies to help broaden our view of things that are positive or factual that are also true. So the pain is true, but it's also true that I am resilient, I know I can cope with this grieving process, right? It is true that I wish I wasn't experiencing this loss, but it's also true that you know, and so informations I think can be a way of helping us to see more things that are true than just the pain that we meant.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So, what are some, and I think you you talked about many of these, but I just want to push a little bit further to see if you have some other thoughts about some small intentional steps that a person can take that moves them toward healing during this holiday season.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. Again, I think the reason we have our grief recovery classes right before the holidays is because it's important to get ahead of it. If you know that you're gonna have a tough holiday season because of a loss, then as soon as you can start getting reaching out and getting some help for it. Don't wait till you get right into the holidays, and then you know, you're you're there, you know. But the sooner you can recognize it and move into getting help, the better it's going to be. Also get counseling. A lot of people, you know, we talked about the fact that people don't like to get counseling for whatever reason. And counseling can be one of the best things that you've ever done, especially when you're going through grief. You get you have a forum by which you you have a a place that you can talk, talk to someone, that someone that can give you some advice, someone that can get you the help that you need. But when you're trying to do this alone, or you're trying to do it with someone who doesn't, you know, who people don't always know what to say to you when you're grieving, and they don't always give you the best advice. But when you go through counseling, it allows you to get some help that you that you really need. Also making a holiday plan to navigate through the holiday seasons, thinking about it before it happens, not just getting there and then all of a sudden you're reacting to it. Coming up with ways to remember our loved ones during the holidays. There are so many different ways. I was thinking about uh getting some Christmas ornaments and having Christmas ornaments of those people that you want to remember during the holidays. I've heard of having candles at the dinner table that represent those loved ones that that we may we may be missing. Other things is making sure that we realize learning to say no, you know, when when people ask us things that we really don't, we're not feeling like doing. And another thing that I always like to advise is even doing a journal. A journal is a way nobody's gonna judge you when you write it down. You write your feelings down, you have an outlet, and you have a way. Sometimes you can write a letter to your loved ones, or you if you're you're upset about losing your job, this is a great outlet to write about how you're feeling. You can even write letters to God, and so a journal is a good way by which to have steps to help you to be able to deal with grief. Listening to music is a good way because sometimes music reminds us of our grief moments, and music lets us know that it's okay to not be okay. One of the exercises that we had when I did grief recovery is we listened to a song by a country song that's called I Am Not Okay by Jelly Roll. He talks about the fact of how he's getting up on some mornings, just barely able to make it. But then at the end of the song, he talks about, but I know that everything is going to be all right. So there is hope in the song, but it's realistic about what we may be experiencing as grief. And then so I let them listen to the song, and then I let them write and how they can relate to what the song is saying. So all of these types of weapons are things that we can do by which will give us hope and by which will give us outlets.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, that's powerful. You know, one of the things that's that characterizes the holiday season is a lot of busyness and everybody needs something. So how how can people balance the self-care that you've been talking about? And these are great tips and and pointers, but how can people balance that self-care with caring for others at a time when everybody seems to need something?

SPEAKER_01:

I think having a plan and knowing it is okay to say no. I mean, it really is. There are one of the things we went through doing grief recovery is writing down all of the things that we normally do during the holiday season. And then I have them to pick five things out of this list. You're only gonna do five things because what that helps them to do is it helps them to start processing saying no, turning some things down, and just not doing some things. It helps them to be able to come up with a plan. And as they are going through all of these things, that you know, going shopping, having parties, going to church, going to all of these things, they can make some choices for themselves, healthy choices for themselves that will help them. We know that the holiday can be, I mean, you can be very tired during the holidays, even when you're not grieved. And so if you're grieving and now you're tired, it can affect your physical overall, you know, your physical being. It can affect your mental being and even your spiritual being. So again, you have to have all of these healthy ways of dealing with your grief. And so those are just some healthy ways by which to do so.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, we've been talking a lot about those that are grieving and strategies and tips and creating plans and scriptures and all of the rest. But the other side of the equation are the people providing support. You've talked about the importance of leaning on the support of other people, but let's talk about those who are the providers of that support for someone who is grieving. What are some do's and don'ts to offering real compassion without minimizing their pain as they're trying to figure out how to support someone who is grieving?

SPEAKER_01:

One of the things is not to not to, you know, when when we see someone grieving, we immediately want to say, I understand, I know what you mean. No, you don't know what they mean, even if it happened to you, you still don't know exactly what they're going through. So we have to watch what it is that we say. Whereas we may say something like, oh, well, you know, everything happens for a reason. No, it does not, not necessarily. Sometimes things happen for no reason at all. You know, I lost my job, you know, I went through a divorce, and you know, oh well, then this is all part of God's plan. It may not be a part of God's plan because we are free moral agents. And so that's one of the things. Another book that I read is read is called, you know, why do why do bad things happen to good people?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

It's by Adam Adam Hamilton, and he talks about those those types of things. So we have to have that. Sometimes it's best not to say a whole lot of anything, it's best just to use your ministry of presence. Be there for the person, and it's best to just listen more than we speak. So be there, listen to what they have to say, don't be judgmental about something they have to say. It's not, it's not, you know, when you're listening to what they're saying, it's not for you to say, no, that's not it. It's to allow them to get it out, allow them to express themselves, and so we have to remember that because grief is hard, and so we don't always do what's right, but if we can just be there and be there to listen, it makes a difference.

SPEAKER_00:

That's that's good. I'm I'm glad you said that. It reminded me of something that old folks in my family used to say when we were kids, they said, God gave us two ears, but only one mouth. So two ears used to say more, one mouth talk less, you know, in terms of proportionality. And that's kind of what you're saying. It reminded me exactly of that saying. I think they were trying to tell me to hush up, but it is nonetheless true, and it is certainly true as we're trying to support uh other people, it's really about giving them space to share and not it down because that's what conveys it's okay. I think you're right. If we respond with being judgmental and shutting down conversation, oh, I don't need you to tell me I already understand what you're going through. Well, we we mean to be supportive, but what we convey is I don't want to hear your story, I don't want to hear what you have to say, and I'm trying to, you know, turn the conversation. And that lets people feel maybe it's not okay. When really it is, and that's the point you've been that you've been making. It really is okay to grieve. You know, I'm as we as we wrap up our conversation. I really have enjoyed this and learned a great deal, and I suspect that's true for our listeners as well. But what final words of hope would you share with our listeners who are hurting this holiday season?

SPEAKER_01:

My final words that I would say to those who are going through God is with you, and you are not alone. And that those would be my closing words. They're in hell.

SPEAKER_00:

And how can we each be a source of healing and light for others, even while pretending to our own hearts by sharing them, sharing with them others what we have learned, as we have gone through sharing resource lists, sharing podcasts, sharing books, because as we have been hopeful, if as as we have felt hopeful, we need to share with others the hope that we have. Well, Reverend Dr. Larkin, it has been great to engage with you in this conversation. Thank you for the helpful tips and advice that you've given for those who are grieving lost during the holidays and for those who are supporting those who are grieving and for giving a strategy. As we draw part two of this conversation to a close, I want to again leave you with this thought. In the community of faith, we believe in resurrection, renewal, and restoration. This holiday season, may your faith community be a place of presence rather than perfection, of compassion instead of comparison. May you give yourself permission to feel what you feel, set the boundaries you need, and lean into the abiding presence of God and others. Thank you for joining us on the Soul Matters Podcast. If this episode spoke to you, please share it with someone who might need to hear this message. As we part, may hope find you in the midst of the ache. May community surround you when traditions feel empty, and may healing begin step by step in the love of Christ and the fellowship of the Lord. Until next time, eating