Why Men Don’t Talk—and Why It’s Killing Us.

Silence can look like strength, but it can also be a warning sign. We sit with a painful reality: a lot of men have been trained to perform confidence on the outside while carrying fear, grief, shame, and exhaustion alone. That training doesn’t just shape individual lives; it spills into marriages, parenting, friendships, and the wider church community when “I’m fine” becomes a lifestyle instead of a moment.

We’re joined by Dr. Terry Allen and PJ Dunn to unpack why men don’t talk and why it’s hurting us clinically, emotionally, and spiritually. We connect the dots between unprocessed stress and real health outcomes like anxiety, depression, sleep problems, high blood pressure, burnout, and substance dependency. We also name what often gets missed: men’s depression may show up as irritability, emotional numbness, overworking, isolation, and anger, and hidden anxiety can look like constant overthinking, perfectionism, and an inability to relax.

Then we pivot to the way forward. We talk about learning honesty, finding safe community, and knowing when it’s time to reach out for professional counseling. We challenge the false choice between prayer and therapy, and we end with a simple charge: check on your silent soldiers, tell the truth, and guard your heart by tending to it. If this message hits close to home, subscribe, share it with someone you love, and leave a review so more people can find the support they need.

Transcript

Strength Reframed For Men

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Today's conversation is not about weakness, it's about strength, because too many men have mastered appearing strong while quietly falling apart.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome to One Soul Matters, the podcast ministry of our church's mental health ministry, where we explore conversations that nourish the soul and help us live out our faith with greater wisdom, freedom, and hope. I'm joined today by my co-host, Jermaine Alberty. And this month's conversation is why men don't talk and why it's killing us. You know, when I first heard the words we just listened to, I realized this really wasn't going to be just a conversation about men's mental health.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

I had the same reaction. I expected to hear discussion about possible depression or anxiety, but instead, the very first challenge was to rethink what strength really looks like.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Our guest today, Dr. Terry Allen, award-winning journalist, communication strategist, and founder of City Men Cook, and PJ Dunn, a certified coach and leadership expert who has spent years helping people develop healthier and more authentic lives. Together, they're inviting us into a conversation that has implications not only for men, but for families, churches, and communities. You know, Dr. Gallen begins by saying this conversation isn't about weakness, it's about strength. That's a surprising place to begin. I mean, why do you think he starts there?

SPEAKER_02 1:46

Well, I think because many of us have this ideal of what strength may look like. It doesn't really leave much room for honesty. And for a lot of men, sometimes strength has meant that we have to handle things our own or just push through or keep our struggles to ourselves. And so that question is what has that cost us?

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Now, we know how to provide, we know how to protect, we know how to perform, and we know how to show up and show out. But many of us were never taught how to process pain. And what pain has nowhere to go, it becomes anxiety, anger, and other things. And it becomes affecting it affects our health. So I'm glad that we're able to talk about this today. Many men don't talk because we've been trained not to. We've been trained that being vulnerable can't be is a punishment. We'd be we feel like we're going to be judged, dismissed, weaponized, and ignored.

SPEAKER_00 2:49

One thing that struck me was this idea that someone can appear incredibly strong on the outside while quietly carrying tremendous pain. And as I listen, I find myself wondering how many women have looked at a husband, a father, a son, a significant other, friend, and mistaken silence for indifference when it may actually have been something much more complicated.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

I think that's a really important observation. Speaking only for myself, you know, I don't ever remember saying to anybody that I don't have feelings, but I do remember saying to people, you know what? Not only do I have feelings, but my feelings matter. But often that's not what people are taught. Often people are taught to keep those feelings to themselves, and that's a lesson that sometimes it's much harder to learn.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Well, you know, if silence becomes a normal way of dealing with pain, then eventually

When Unprocessed Pain Hits The Body

SPEAKER_00 3:58

something has to give. And PJ Dunn talks about that next. I mean, what are the consequences when emotional pain never gets processed?

SPEAKER_03 4:08

So let me take this a step further as well. The the conversation matters not only just emotionally and socially, but it matters clinically and spiritually. And I hope I can bring a lot of that out today. Clinically, we do know, as Dr. Terry has already said, that many men have experienced this for years. And when we have a body that's got unprocessed stress in it, we know that there will be chronic problems. And we're talking about clinically here. We're talking about high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, heart disease, burnout, and substance dependency. And sometimes, as men we've been told, just tell them you're just tired, you're you're just stressed out, you're you're just a little irritated. I'm fine, I'll be okay later. So the body, when it's carrying emotional weight that the mind has never processed, is a body that's going to continue to keep score. And make sure you know this the body does keep score.

SPEAKER_02 5:04

You know, when PJ talks about the body keeps the score, that's a phrase that really stays with me. Because sometimes what we try to do is separate emotional health from physical health, but that's not really how our lives work because you cannot separate the physical from the emotional or the other way around.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

You're absolutely right. I mean, that's not how our bodies work. And one thing I appreciate about this conversation is that it isn't trying to shame anyone. I mean, it's it's simply helping us understand that ignoring pain doesn't make it disappear. And sometimes it simply finds another place to show up, maybe in our relationships, maybe in our bodies, maybe in our spirits. So that really raises a question that I've been thinking about. If so many men have learned to stay silent, where did those lessons come from?

Family Culture And Church Messages

SPEAKER_02 6:08

I I think that's a really good question about where this these lessons come from. And Dr. Allen really broadens the conversation because he isn't just talking about one influence, but he talks about family and talks about culture and even church. And so all those environments teach us something about what it means to be a man. So we're gonna listen to a clip with Dr. Allen talking about that very thing.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

Why don't we talk? We believe silence is strength. We've never been taught how to be vulnerable. As a matter of fact, when we were bullied, we were blamed for being bullied. All right. Church culture. Now, I don't know if you guys have this been to the same churches I've been to, but as a as a member of several churches throughout my history, I remember HIV. We didn't have that in the black church. I remember bad at women. Oh, nobody's bad at our church. Church culture kind of equates silence with faith. And then then there, of course, there's our hypermasculinity, sports and military. We regard we reward toughness, but we don't retard insight or feelings.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

One of the things I appreciate about hearing that list is that it moves us away from blame and it moves us toward understanding. I mean, none of those influences are inherently bad, but you put them together and they can begin to create an environment where vulnerability begins to feel unsafe.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

And isn't it something to feel unsafe in your family, to feel unsafe in your church or just culture alone making you feel unsafe? And so once again, honesty starts feeling unsafe. And silence starts feeling typical, just normal, just to be silent. And that's why this constitution matters because if silence can be learned, perhaps honesty can be learned as well.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

But you know, we've been talking about you know where these messages come from, but eventually those messages begin to shape how we live. And sometimes we don't even realize it. I mean, we just start believing that carrying everything alone is normal.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

Yeah, and I think that one of the most sobering parts of this conversation is that silent doesn't usually just become a habit overnight, it becomes a lifestyle. And after enough years, it becomes part of our identity.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

But what does that silence actually cost us, though? Just listen.

How Depression Looks In Men

SPEAKER_03 8:40

We are what we rehearse. So if your thoughts are always focusing on the negative things, then that's what you'll see. But at the same time, what's great as believers, we know that Christ has conquered everything. So why don't we believe that? Well, when the amygdala when the amygdala is hijacked and you're in a fear state, while you'll understand what the truth is, it doesn't mean it's going to change if your nervous system is still deregulated. So it's how do you re-regulate? And the way I find, and we'll talk more about this, the best way to re-regulate is certainly you can't stay silent, you can't stay isolated. So here's what we need to know, everyone just listening here. Here's the deal. Part of the reason why many men are trained to be silent is because we're told you need to endure it, toughen up. Oh, you're not hurt. Get up, keep moving. You're all right. Don't show any pain. Don't show any pain. But the problem is whenever we have some issues like this, we're supposed to examine it. Not just endure it, but examine it. Because you've been holding it down for so long, it's gonna come out at some point in some kind of way. And if that's what the children see in the family, is the dad who waits until he explodes, then he starts to become fearful of that. But then he starts to learn, oh, that's how you get control back. It's by bursting out with your anger, which is certainly not the way we want to go. Some of this would be also the signs of depression that you see. So depression in men does not always look like sadness. Sometimes it just looks like irritability, exhaustion, emotional numbness. You'll start overworking, you'll isolate, there's a loss of motivation, there's increased use of, say, things like alcohol, and then of course, you will definitely see anger or give it away. So many men continue functioning externally while struggling internally. So just because a man is productive on the outside does not mean emotionally he's a trigger that's ready to go off. So we have to understand that. Hidden anxiety, many men experience anxiety without realizing it. It can appear as constant as overthinking again, an ability to relax, right? No matter what they do, they just can't seem to relax, which then creates sleep problems. If you can't sleep, you're gonna be short energy the next day. And now you're using yesterday's sense to keep expanding here on the new day, and this is gonna make it even tighter for you. So then there's perfectionism, control issues, intention, and the body. And I'm saying all this because I know some of you are going, yes, check, check, check on some of these, right? So some of this, some of us call it stress, but actually what it is, is chronic anxiety. So anger is grief, and we understand that anger is often a secondary emotion. Underneath anger may be disappointment, it might be rejection, it might be fear, it might be shame, helplessness, or unresolved grief. But many men are taught anger was only the way, the only emotion that you need to show because it'll get people to back off, it'll get people to leave you alone. And again, you don't want to be isolated to any degree.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

You know, one thing that strikes me is that this isn't simply a conversation about emotions. I mean, yes, it's about emotion, but it's also about relationships. Because when someone is carrying pain alone, everyone around them experiences the weight of that silence, even if they don't know where it's coming from.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

That's so true. Because I can imagine many listeners are thinking about someone that they love right now, whether it's a spouse or a partner, a father or mother, a brother, a son, and maybe someone who's they're thinking about is that person who always seems to be doing fine. But this conversation reminds us that we just shouldn't assume that silent means that everything is okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

Understanding the problem is important, but the thing is, understanding alone doesn't bring the healing, and so the next part of the conversation, you know, we really have to ask an even more hopeful question, which is what actually helps?

Honesty Community And Professional Help

SPEAKER_02 12:39

And I'm so glad that we are pivoting to addressing the challenge and now getting to a solution. Because one thing that I appreciate about Dr. Allen and PJ done is that they don't just simply describe the challenge, they also describe a way forward, and that way forward includes honest conversations. And you know, I just feel like that word honesty has been used several times. And I always tell people that we have our truth, and then there is the truth, and we have to be truthful about what we are experiencing as men, because not only do we then be truthful and have honest conversations, but then we have to understand that those things produce something, they produce healthy communities. And then if we are able to seek out professional counseling, then that helps us to be able to share those things that we are experiencing, even outside communities where we feel like, you know what, my communicate know this, but there's a professional waiting for you to share that conversation. And for many people, it may be a clergy person, a faith leader, a member of you know, our faith tradition that's waiting to hear you also. So I'm so grateful that we know that when we have these honest conversations, that we can turn to our community, to professionals, and even our faith community. So let's listen to the next clip where we get uh some information from DJ of who we can turn to when we need help.

SPEAKER_03 14:16

So when should you seek help? Men should seek help when emotional pain begins, affecting sleep, relationships, work performance, physical health, decision making, and daily functioning. So if anger, hopelessness, anxiety, emotional numbness, or isolation are becoming the regular for you, this is a warning sign. This is not, hey, well, let's see how tough I can be, how can I make through it? It's actually how can I get with a group of men who are also prayer-bound, who are also focused on moving the same direction, which is to we deal with the negativity, but we thrive in where we can connect and where we can go. There are some therapy myths. Therapy is not about being crazy, is not about structural support that helps people process emotions only, but it also helps you develop healthier patterns so that you can improve it. So if you're going to therapy about the same thing for a long period of time and you don't feel like you're changing, understand that there's an improvement pattern. It's not just to sit back and talk about what went wrong. You also have to consider now how do we go right? How do we get forward? How do we step forward in that way?

SPEAKER_00 15:21

You know, I appreciated them making the point very clear that faith and professional care, they're not competing with one another. You can be a person of faith and take advantage of those that God has allowed to be trained as professionals to care for our mental and emotional well-being. Those are not, those can happen at the same time. Those are not competing with one another. I think sometimes people assume that they got to choose between prayer and counseling. And that's just not true. And so this conversation really reminds us that seeking help can actually be an expression of faith rather than indicating a lack of faith.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

That really stood out to me too, because I think sometimes people think killing is just a one decision. It really is just a one decision, it really is a series of courageous decisions, and that can involve talking to someone, accepting the truth, accepting health, and then taking that next faithful step.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Yeah. You know, one thing I've been thinking throughout this conversation is that, you know, the healing begins long before all of the problems are solved. I think we can think that, right? If I'm still having challenges, I'm still struggling with things, then you know, I've not been healed. But you know, sometimes the healing begins the moment that someone realizes they don't have to carry those problems all by themselves. I think that's a message all of us need to hear.

SPEAKER_02 16:56

I agree. Before we wrap up, I would love to give Dr. Allen a chance to give us some last words of wisdom. And then, PJ, I would love for you to follow up and give us some words of wisdom to you, we'd like to share with our listening audience.

Check On Silent Soldiers

SPEAKER_01 17:12

Check on your silent soldiers, because those are the most silent, the ones that may be the most. So check on a brother. Tell the truth and don't say, I'm fine. Schedule an appointment with an expert to get you in a safe place to come to conversation and ask the questions. Please ask the questions that you need to ask. That gets you to start healing. I think the biggest thing that we want to, not as men, but as people of color on this room and men, women, all colors, stop the denial. Do not pretend we're okay.

SPEAKER_03 17:44

Solomon said it in Proverbs 4:23. You guys have sat in church, y'all have heard this before. He said, Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. So, as men, as we talk to the men today as well, men cannot afford to ignore what is happening internally. Protecting your heart also means tending to it. But you don't have to even do that in your own strength because God has his steadfast love that'll help you.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

We'd like to thank Dr. Terry Allen and PJ Dunn for sharing both their professional expertise and their personal experience with us. Their willingness to speak openly creates space for all of us to grow. And I want to thank our co-host, Dr. Tamar Brown, for making this another amazing episode of One Soul Matters. Dr. Brown.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Thank you, the listeners, as well, for joining us for this episode of One Soul Matters. If today's conversation encouraged you, then consider sharing it with someone else who may need to hear it as well. And remember, healing doesn't begin because we have all the answers. Healing begins when someone makes it safe to tell the truth. We'll see you next time.